My Space Jam

I wake up feeling like my life's worth living, even though sometimes I can't bring myself to actually get out of bed. Even though we all have those days. Even though mine seem to be increasing with my age.

I know I talk a lot about the beach, and California, and old memories, but those were the days when I really felt alive. The moments when act scores and colleges and money had no effects on me. The times when what I looked like, and who my friends were, and what religion I was didn't only define who I was. Those were the times I was truly happy. 

Happiness is what I strive to live for. Happiness is what gets me out of bed in the morning...eventually. Happiness is my space jam. Along with the smell of surf wax.

Insignificance

Why does it feel like I am a tourist?

I promise I am not, but for some reason everything I do feels like just another picture of the same building. Whoa-that sounded weird, I mean... Why do I feel like everything I create isn't worth repeating, or looking at again? Why do I feel so insecure when I don't have any comments? 

Sometimes I don't feel like I should be in this class. I am not broken in the ways that everyone else is. 

I'm afraid of trying my hardest and it never being enough. I'm scared that doing my best, will be the same as somebody else's worst. I hope this never happens, but I feel like it already is. Because after reading something like dick tidrow and the devastation diaries, I wonder why I even thought I had a chance. 

But I have to at least try. 

To: Death,

If I ever get to meet you, face to face, I would not be scared-I am not scared of dying. I just wonder...

Do you like your job?

Do you like stealing away the hearts and souls of so many innocent victims? Do you enjoy turning warm hearts, cold and lifeless? What's it like to look into a persons eyes, and watch them go colorless? Do you ever get tired of taking. Do you wonder what it would be like to give? 

What's it going to be like when we finally get to meet?

Are you going to smile? Are you going to cry? Are you going to laugh as you reach into my body and steal away my time? Or will you look back on my past. Will you soak up the nostalgia and feel every moment felt-every bit of sorrow, bitterness, grief, pain, love happiness, joy and fear as you feel my heart take its last dying beat? Will you laugh as you uncover all my embarrassing moments, and will you cry when you discover how happy I was, and how it's all coming to an end? Or will you envy me. Will you wonder what it's like to live, because you will never know? Will you envy my life over yours, and wonder what it would've been like if you had gotten the same chance at life, the same chance that your so willingly able to steal away? Do you ever get tired of taking. Do you wonder what it would be like to give?

Until then, 
Llacie Paige 

To Do: Sometime in my life...

• Travel on an airplane
• Go windsurfing 
• Save a life
• Bellyflop into a pool just because I want to
• Do a flip on a trampoline (pathetic...I know)
• Bike ride on a two person bike
• Hike to a waterfall
• Sail on a sailboat
• Own a dog
• Go surfing in Hawaii 
• Meet someone famous
• Go to a concert
• Fall in love
• Go to Paris, France and try a macaroon
• Find a starfish
• Find a sand dollar
• Go to Switzerland

And millions of other things that I can't list off the top of my head...

My Biggest Fears...

Im afraid of outer space. I'm afraid of that feeling you get when you look straight up at night, and your suddenly engulfed by the giant unknown. 

I'm afraid of heights - wait no, not heights. I'm afraid of what the world looks like from heights; just endless ground colliding with endless sky. I'm afraid of feeling negligible-too small to even take notice.

I'm afraid of the ocean - or the deep parts of the ocean. I'm afraid that one day I will drown, and nobody will even notice me drifting away.

I'm afraid of moving out. I'm afraid that I will always make the wrong decision, and never become who I am supposed to become. That I will never reach my full potential, let alone a potential worth living for. 

I'm afraid of love. I'm afraid that I will fall in love with the wrong person. I'm afraid that I will never find the 'right' person. I'm afraid that I will eventually fall out of love, or forget how to love, or just never find it. 

I'm afraid of spiders. I'm even more afraid of egg sacs. I'm afraid that an egg sac will hatch in my room or my bed or my shower, and there will be millions of baby spiders all over the place.

I'm afraid of birds pooping on my head. I don't know why...

I'm afraid of growing up, and loosing creativity, and becoming boring. I'm afraid that in ten years I will regret everything and become someone I can't even recognize.

"But nothing lasts forever and these days everyone's pictures are digital. Things can be erased. It can take years, it can take seconds"
-Harold Miner

Thrifty ice cream and yellow smoke bombs and broken buttons;

Sting rays and Canoes and early morning surfing lessons;

Tori pines and The Pedestrian Path and Kelly park;

Grape juice stains and corn on the cob and the taste of s'mores at midnight;

Raccoons and tents and perfect weathered nights;

These are my bricks. I am not complete without them, but I'm not whole with them. They are not broken, but each is cracked-filled with different memories and faces and smiles and tears. They build me up and form the hardened core that is my character.

Late Night Fights

My vision is blurred from holding back tears.  My thoughts are blurred as well. Emotions of anger, fear, hope and confusion smear together. I have become numb to the stabbing pain which accompanies each slam of their bedroom door. The only attention I have is focused on the garage door. I can only hope that this doesn't get that far, that this moment won't become the last...